First, my disclaimer!  What I'm about to write is not a generalisation of all men. Nor is what I'm about to write the experience of all women.  Now, let me be honest... what you are about to read is my dating experience. 

THE BARBERSHOP SCHOOL 'OF RELATIONSHIPS'!

I was raised playing with Barbie and Ken. And although I defaced my barbie dolls (I had an assortment of different shades of brown felt tip pens around the house, of which I used to make black Barbie and black Ken - proof that I had a healthy identity as a young girl...thanks mum). I  grew to love, Love and read the 'Love is' book range. Actually, I still have my first 'Love is' book. Published in 1971 and written by Kim Casali, this book was actual the second love in my life (my mother was my first). It was the first item I cherished, loved and adored. In fact I should frame it! The book is so special, it beautifully outlines the 'verb' of love. You know, the things we DO in a loving relationship...to show your partner that you care, that they' re your one and only, that for only them, you would swim the deepest seas and climb the highest mountains just to make them happy. Thank you Kim Casali for giving me the dilemma I now face.

So with this foundation of what 'Love is', I, as with many other young woman kept falling head over heels for men...boys, who's schooling on love was delivered by conversations in the barbershop whilst waiting to get their hair cut. Now this here... what I am about to critically analyse... is slightly disheartening AND confusing for us woman WHO as a child expected the Cinderella wedding, to a black knight who wore mental Armour.  
 
Take a look what the Barbershop 'School of Relationships' teaches:  

- NEVER tell a women you love her, she will start to take you for granted and cheat on you
- NEVER eat or drink from a new woman, she might put 'juju' in your food
- DON'T commit to the relationship, until you have tried a range of women and / or (which ever comes first) you are loosing your 'appeal or swag', are getting old, fat or 'run down looking'. 
- DON'T get into regular pattern's of going out, to prevent attachment from occurring 
- DON'T admit you and her are in a relationship - always call yourself 'just friends'
- DON'T take photo's of you and 'your friend' together. Hide you face by looking away from the camera
- DO keep her coming back for more, be nice but unavailable (do that and she'll be begging to see you and then she'll be like putty in your hands)
- DO share some of your fears with her, opening up will make her think, you think, she's special
- IF you see her get too clingy or you start falling in love with her, detach yourself immediatley by making yourself unavailable, seeing someone else will help this process.
- DON'T let her put comments on your social media, she has to respect your boundaries
- UNDER NO circumstances do you celebrate valentines, birthdays or Christmas with her, however you are free to accept gifts from her during these times (or any other time)
- Remember! being mean keeps them keen - put her down every now and then, making her insecure, this will make her need you more. Then she'll be like putty in your hands
- Women should be happy that they have been given the honour of being in your presence, why commit! What else could they possibly  want. Women should be grateful with just seeing you. 

Need I go on?

The above Barbershop 'School of Relationships' is the current mindset of many men in urban communities. Now where this mindset stems from, I'm not going to get into now (this blog is long enough)? Some may say slavery (yes slavery), some may say the movies or hip hop music videos, some may even say it derives from the gang cultures prevalent on our streets.  *Sigh*

Now compare this barbershop 'rhetoric' with my 1970's 'Love is' book reading foundation

- Love is when you won't leave his beside (when he's sick)
- Love is hitting the road together
- Love is wearing his biker jacket
- Love is enjoying the simple things in life together
- Love is taking on her problems as well as your own
- Love is when your differences make no difference
- Love is taking one day at a time
- Love is having someone to lean on in a crisis
- Love is telling her she's beautiful without her makeup
- Love is helping him overcome his shyness
- Love is a dedication
- Love is all about communication
- Love is saving on the budget by making your own

​Need I go on?

In this new age of 'linking' and with men's (or should I say boys) weird and premeditated ways of looking at the 'initiation of relationships', where does 'real love' stand?

Is it no longer important? or do women simply have to wait for the men of their generation to mature (later on in life than expected). And with women's naivety and often powerless voice in correcting such warped mindsets (btw the warped mindsets can actually be a thesis on mental health issues in relationships), I ask!!! What do women do whilst they wait for their man to turn from frog to prince?

Wait, wait, wait....hold on a second I know what women do, we either become baby momma's, career chasers or lesbians, that's what we do and in return we leave no room for foolishness....

... or the MATURE MAN that finally lets go of the Barbershop 'School of Relationships' mindset and enrolls into the world of 'normal' 'balanced' and 'healthy' thought processes. 

It's a tricky situation and definitely one to talk about with the young people in our families. We call this food...no school for thought. 

xxx take care out there (because sometimes it feels like we are at war.. with dumb ways of thinking in our community)

With Love...Elen B x

CULTURAL EXCHANGE? 

Beyond English people going to Asia, Africa, Australia or even the Caribbean to explore beautiful and wonderful cultures. Do you think they will ever understand the cultures that are on their doorstep? That is, those of us who are of the 'other', that live here in the UK. Now don't assume I am racist (because I couldn't be)....just follow my lead here. 

Whilst studying my 'Social Research' degree I was fascinated with group dynamics. How we interact and how we exclude or include others. The way we as human's work is amazing. I love us, and I especially love the current evolution which is taking place (if you can not see or feel that we as a human race are evolving I challenge you to turn off your TV, check your social media and whatsapp once a day, actually just get off your mobile phone. Oh and eat a healthier, lighter diet, excluding fizzy drinks and fatty takeaways). 

Back to the point, we as human's are evolving and with this I wonder if the time in nearing for Europeans and my fellow English man and woman, to open their hearts and minds to the realities of who Caribbean people really are. It's not that I personally seek their approval, but my son and his friends need a cultural understanding from English people, that is of a higher 'frequency'. I sigh. I hope that time comes soon.

And it might if we ALL remember that no man is bigger than the next. White people looking down at black people. Black people, Asian's and Hispanics looking at white people in disbelief. You see whilst white people, Europeans have their 'I'm greater than you all' mask on, many do not realise that they look very very childish and immature. And whilst we 'the other' do (like what I am doing now), and focus on what European's are or are not doing we waste valuable energy that could be used to hoist up our 'collective' outward facing group confidence and self belief. 

To be honest, we as Caribbean's only allow a few 'others' (that is white people) into our cultural group. Just because you see us 'integrating' does not mean we share our true self. 

Maybe I should not share this but we give 'others' the worst of us and keep the best for ourselves! Our loyalty, our passion, our pride, our enterprising nature, our work ethic, our genuinity, our resilience, our inner knowing, our creativity, our kindness.... I could go on.

We are sort of ...just a little bit, selfish. But because we give the world so much entertainment via our music, sports and acting skills, that we could never be called selfish.  

As we all evolve, I wonder if European's will realise that the mask that we wear, is to protect, what's great within our culture and our humanness. 

We Caribbean's complain about many a things, including institutional racism. But we know our gifts, regardless of what the newspapers say.  So I will end by writing that, English people will start to see the truth's of Caribbean culture, when WE Caribbean's feel safe to let them as a collective group in and thus, school teachers expectations of our children will rise, the media will refrain from writing about us as murders, pimps, drug dealers, baby mamma's and hoes. I could go on...you know how the story goes. 

When we Caribbean's feel safe, secure and far from threats and acts of direct and indirect violence, we will open up, like a beautiful bud, or a moth coming out of it's cocoon. We will shine. We will rise and we will share our most powerful gifts with the world. 

Food for thought right...

by Elen B 

I do this for the people who said I Couldn't ,
And for the people who said I can,
But hope that I don't, 
So they can remain on the fragile 
Pedal stool they built over me.

I do this for the weary, 
Who just need the mirror image, 
To prove the test works 
And that the rejection and 
Heartache is worth it.

I do this for my mother,
Who worked for us, 
instead of herself, 
Who dreamt of gold, 
And got paper, 
And imagined peace,
But got turbulence.

I do this for my son,
Who Must know,
That choices are multiple,
And that ripple effects,
Are timeless.

I do this for my loves lost, 
To show off the blessings
I gained from their vacancy. 
Absent only, of not knowing
How bright it is with blindfolds on.

I do this for my ancestors, 
'Know that time was never wasted, taken for granted or hated'. 
Lessons of their ambitions, 
Carefully unfolded, executed and Savoured. 
With buckets full of gratitude, 
Clean tenderheartedness and loyalty.

I do this,
Because it's easier,
To act in Faith,
Then be in fear. 
To know the freedom 
that 'free' fearful people know not.

I do this for loves sake.

I was just on Mama B's radio show on Jamaica's SunCity Radio. It's a fantastic radio station for all Jamaican's at home and abroad. 

We discussed some of the issues women in the 21 century face in society and in relationships. Particularly in the UK. 

Here are my views. 

You may agree or you may disagree. 

Regardless, we all should find our own way in making our relationships work with the men in our life. 

Conservative I love your motto 'We help those who help themselves', but the strain your previous cuts (and the f'up's of the labour government) have put a strain on parents, which has a direct affect on young people.

You mentioned young people ONCE in your budget yesterday. Did you FORGET how important they are to the fabric of our society? 

The Bingo and Beer tax cut could have instead been 'Increased one pence on Bingo and Beer tax to improve Training Programmes and Careers Guidance for young people'!!! People will still buy beer and go to bingo, regardless. 

The majority of young people I work with have not had any effective careers advice and they are over 18 years of age. 

They all think that careers advisor are just to help students choose GCSE's.  In terms of their post 18 ambitions they do not see any use in speaking to a careers advisor because they feel they do not have the correct knowledge to guide them. 

As for training programmes there are not enough, and the few that are running are so desperate to make the funders happy that they neglect the quality of the service and the outcomes. Thus young people miss out on gaining essential qualities and skills; which in turn means that many are still unemployable. 

You guys have more money than sense.....come and live with me for a week, no a day and you'll see what it's like down here. KMT 

Young people are tomorrows adults. Wouldn't it be wiser to 'remember' to improve their services and secure their futures? 

After all,  it is they that will be looking after you, when you have false teeth, memory loss and poor vision.  

http://www.theguardian.com/world/shortcuts/2014/mar/19/generation-y-demographic-budget-forgot 

I don't know about you, but this year is my year. Yes I have someone special in my life, but now in my mid thirties, no one can tell me that putting your self first, YES being 'selfish', IS NOT the done deal.

We all know the talk...you must Love yourself before anyone else can Love you. We hear it all the time.

I however, think  that learning to Love yourself is easier said then done, especially for those of us born to single parents....who never remarried.


Yeah my Mum showed me Love. She worked 13 hours a day to ensure we didn't look like abandoned children  or 'have not's'. 


I had everything I needed. HOWEVER, because mummy worked so hard I never saw her relax, or spend time pampering herself.


Learning to Love myself and put myself first was self taught and took many years of people taking the piss with me, to really understand how I should Love Me. 


First things first..... I refuse to see putting myself first in any situation that I choose to put myself first, as selfish. If you know me, you know that when I put myself first, yes in front of you (and of course without harming you); you always get the best ME.


The way society has conditioned us to put ourselves last and to give our all to someone else cause, to sacrifice our needs for another, is non beneficial to me.


You may disagree. Maybe people get the best out of you, when you rarely say no to a request, that puts you out in some way or another. 

But me....nah, that Love language does not suit my dna. It's not my style. I've been there, done that and trashed the stale t-shirt many years ago.

This Valentines day, it's all about me and that's how I'm going to celebrate valentines from now on. 

And I will not apologise to my other quarter (that's what I call my significant other...read in between the lines and you'll know why). 

Because at the end of the day, in return of understanding that I have to put myself first...he always gets the best me ;-) 

Happy Valentines Day x   

Valentine’s Day is only six days away and this year I have promised to treat myself.  I'm not expecting my other half (or what I call my other quarter) to magically produce a gift from behind his ear because we're not like that. And why are we not like that.....because commitment has been at the bottom of my list, ever since I can remember.

I would walk away from men who liked me too much, rang me too often, complimented me too much and smiled at me too much. I've been so hard on men....good men. But everything happens for a wiser purpose and now is the time for me to put commitment to the top of my list. (look out for part two to read more about my issueSSS with relationships).

So I am starting by committing to myself. 'Unna mus alweys com firs, yuh zeeit'.

So here's my checklist for my valentines special;

1. Buy fresh flowers for each room in the house, including the corridors.

2. Buy ingredients for my favourite meal and eat like a queen. (If my other 'quarter' says he wants to join me, don't be stubborn and say no...like you may want to.

3. Although Valentine ’s Day is on a Friday this year, dress up to the nines for work, even though its dress down Friday.

4. Buy a new party dress for my birthday next month.

5. Hold a reasoning in the morning and evening giving thanks for all I have.

6. Call mum and dad and tell them you love them.

It's a very simple checklist. But over the last 10 years with my photography business I'd picked up some really bad habits and forgotten to take care of me.

So, for all the people who are self-righteous and refuse to celebrate Valentine’s Day, because of its origins and who knows what else. Why hate on a day that can bring about good things. You know deep down you want someone to show you some love....born in the west we cannot escape the effect Valentine’s Day has on our sub conscious.

Instead of hating and hiding, follow my lead and treat yourself like a King or Queen for the day.

We deserve it.  

(Photographs taken from http://www.anc.org.za/nelson)

I just had to write a letter, a short one, to share my feelings about Madiba great man and one that help me through serious racism as a young girl growing up in Hertfordshire in the 1980's.


Born on a Thursday - Passed On on a Thursday. 

Here in the UK, living just outside London, I was 11 years old when my family gathered to watch the news and celebrate Father Nelson Mandela's release from imprisonment. The ripple effect of Father Mandela's words that day affected me. For I, in the area I lived, at my young age, in a land that showed off its diversity; was victim to so much physical and psychological racism. Father Mandela's words then and as I grew older, assisted in healing my wounds; with wisdom and not the easy road of hatred and fear. How powerful his words, how powerful it is for a stranger to remind another of the greatness and strength we can all tap into; regardless of our situation, background or financial status. May this Father I never met in the physical; but definitely meet in the realm of Love and Wisdom, continue to guide me, strengthen me and confirm that I, my son, my friends, strangers and neighbours, too MUST remember that LOVE IS ALL THERE IS and that it is LOVE THAT CONQUERS ALL! Who will continue his work? WE ALL MUST! Wearing his message and vision on our sleeves and smothering all that think otherwise with the wisdom and strength of this Universal and Eternal Power. The persistent effort is more than worth it. And for the racism I received as a child, wisdom showed me it is two inferiorities clashing. One must Stand up to break it's illusion and it's sour cycle. LOVE IS ALL THERE IS! GOD KEEP YOU FATHER MANDELA and your family. 

WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU X Elen B

I would like to thank everybody that attended my event on Saturday...'My Crazy Jamaican Life'. I don't know about you, but I love to see projects in there early stages. 2014 is going to be an exciting time for 'An Audience with Elen B' and you are all invited to enjoy the events, which will have you leaving entertained and inspired. 

For now, below you will find the list of Notable Jamaican's used within my presentation.

Make good use of it.........Its all about generating 'good' PR for Jamaican and Jamaican people.

Have a great week. 

We all saw it....the channel 4 documentary titled, my crazy new Jamaican life. 

What an embarrassment. The documentary should have been called something else right. 

Now it's time to have our say and make Jamaica proud, show Jamaica in its best light.

And combat the media making money from making Us look like clowns. 

Have your say...............on 16th November. See you there.