First, my disclaimer!  What I'm about to write is not a generalisation of all men. Nor is what I'm about to write the experience of all women.  Now, let me be honest... what you are about to read is my dating experience. 

THE BARBERSHOP SCHOOL 'OF RELATIONSHIPS'!

I was raised playing with Barbie and Ken. And although I defaced my barbie dolls (I had an assortment of different shades of brown felt tip pens around the house, of which I used to make black Barbie and black Ken - proof that I had a healthy identity as a young girl...thanks mum). I  grew to love, Love and read the 'Love is' book range. Actually, I still have my first 'Love is' book. Published in 1971 and written by Kim Casali, this book was actual the second love in my life (my mother was my first). It was the first item I cherished, loved and adored. In fact I should frame it! The book is so special, it beautifully outlines the 'verb' of love. You know, the things we DO in a loving relationship...to show your partner that you care, that they' re your one and only, that for only them, you would swim the deepest seas and climb the highest mountains just to make them happy. Thank you Kim Casali for giving me the dilemma I now face.

So with this foundation of what 'Love is', I, as with many other young woman kept falling head over heels for men...boys, who's schooling on love was delivered by conversations in the barbershop whilst waiting to get their hair cut. Now this here... what I am about to critically analyse... is slightly disheartening AND confusing for us woman WHO as a child expected the Cinderella wedding, to a black knight who wore mental Armour.  
 
Take a look what the Barbershop 'School of Relationships' teaches:  

- NEVER tell a women you love her, she will start to take you for granted and cheat on you
- NEVER eat or drink from a new woman, she might put 'juju' in your food
- DON'T commit to the relationship, until you have tried a range of women and / or (which ever comes first) you are loosing your 'appeal or swag', are getting old, fat or 'run down looking'. 
- DON'T get into regular pattern's of going out, to prevent attachment from occurring 
- DON'T admit you and her are in a relationship - always call yourself 'just friends'
- DON'T take photo's of you and 'your friend' together. Hide you face by looking away from the camera
- DO keep her coming back for more, be nice but unavailable (do that and she'll be begging to see you and then she'll be like putty in your hands)
- DO share some of your fears with her, opening up will make her think, you think, she's special
- IF you see her get too clingy or you start falling in love with her, detach yourself immediatley by making yourself unavailable, seeing someone else will help this process.
- DON'T let her put comments on your social media, she has to respect your boundaries
- UNDER NO circumstances do you celebrate valentines, birthdays or Christmas with her, however you are free to accept gifts from her during these times (or any other time)
- Remember! being mean keeps them keen - put her down every now and then, making her insecure, this will make her need you more. Then she'll be like putty in your hands
- Women should be happy that they have been given the honour of being in your presence, why commit! What else could they possibly  want. Women should be grateful with just seeing you. 

Need I go on?

The above Barbershop 'School of Relationships' is the current mindset of many men in urban communities. Now where this mindset stems from, I'm not going to get into now (this blog is long enough)? Some may say slavery (yes slavery), some may say the movies or hip hop music videos, some may even say it derives from the gang cultures prevalent on our streets.  *Sigh*

Now compare this barbershop 'rhetoric' with my 1970's 'Love is' book reading foundation

- Love is when you won't leave his beside (when he's sick)
- Love is hitting the road together
- Love is wearing his biker jacket
- Love is enjoying the simple things in life together
- Love is taking on her problems as well as your own
- Love is when your differences make no difference
- Love is taking one day at a time
- Love is having someone to lean on in a crisis
- Love is telling her she's beautiful without her makeup
- Love is helping him overcome his shyness
- Love is a dedication
- Love is all about communication
- Love is saving on the budget by making your own

​Need I go on?

In this new age of 'linking' and with men's (or should I say boys) weird and premeditated ways of looking at the 'initiation of relationships', where does 'real love' stand?

Is it no longer important? or do women simply have to wait for the men of their generation to mature (later on in life than expected). And with women's naivety and often powerless voice in correcting such warped mindsets (btw the warped mindsets can actually be a thesis on mental health issues in relationships), I ask!!! What do women do whilst they wait for their man to turn from frog to prince?

Wait, wait, wait....hold on a second I know what women do, we either become baby momma's, career chasers or lesbians, that's what we do and in return we leave no room for foolishness....

... or the MATURE MAN that finally lets go of the Barbershop 'School of Relationships' mindset and enrolls into the world of 'normal' 'balanced' and 'healthy' thought processes. 

It's a tricky situation and definitely one to talk about with the young people in our families. We call this food...no school for thought. 

xxx take care out there (because sometimes it feels like we are at war.. with dumb ways of thinking in our community)

With Love...Elen B x

CULTURAL EXCHANGE? 

Beyond English people going to Asia, Africa, Australia or even the Caribbean to explore beautiful and wonderful cultures. Do you think they will ever understand the cultures that are on their doorstep? That is, those of us who are of the 'other', that live here in the UK. Now don't assume I am racist (because I couldn't be)....just follow my lead here. 

Whilst studying my 'Social Research' degree I was fascinated with group dynamics. How we interact and how we exclude or include others. The way we as human's work is amazing. I love us, and I especially love the current evolution which is taking place (if you can not see or feel that we as a human race are evolving I challenge you to turn off your TV, check your social media and whatsapp once a day, actually just get off your mobile phone. Oh and eat a healthier, lighter diet, excluding fizzy drinks and fatty takeaways). 

Back to the point, we as human's are evolving and with this I wonder if the time in nearing for Europeans and my fellow English man and woman, to open their hearts and minds to the realities of who Caribbean people really are. It's not that I personally seek their approval, but my son and his friends need a cultural understanding from English people, that is of a higher 'frequency'. I sigh. I hope that time comes soon.

And it might if we ALL remember that no man is bigger than the next. White people looking down at black people. Black people, Asian's and Hispanics looking at white people in disbelief. You see whilst white people, Europeans have their 'I'm greater than you all' mask on, many do not realise that they look very very childish and immature. And whilst we 'the other' do (like what I am doing now), and focus on what European's are or are not doing we waste valuable energy that could be used to hoist up our 'collective' outward facing group confidence and self belief. 

To be honest, we as Caribbean's only allow a few 'others' (that is white people) into our cultural group. Just because you see us 'integrating' does not mean we share our true self. 

Maybe I should not share this but we give 'others' the worst of us and keep the best for ourselves! Our loyalty, our passion, our pride, our enterprising nature, our work ethic, our genuinity, our resilience, our inner knowing, our creativity, our kindness.... I could go on.

We are sort of ...just a little bit, selfish. But because we give the world so much entertainment via our music, sports and acting skills, that we could never be called selfish.  

As we all evolve, I wonder if European's will realise that the mask that we wear, is to protect, what's great within our culture and our humanness. 

We Caribbean's complain about many a things, including institutional racism. But we know our gifts, regardless of what the newspapers say.  So I will end by writing that, English people will start to see the truth's of Caribbean culture, when WE Caribbean's feel safe to let them as a collective group in and thus, school teachers expectations of our children will rise, the media will refrain from writing about us as murders, pimps, drug dealers, baby mamma's and hoes. I could go on...you know how the story goes. 

When we Caribbean's feel safe, secure and far from threats and acts of direct and indirect violence, we will open up, like a beautiful bud, or a moth coming out of it's cocoon. We will shine. We will rise and we will share our most powerful gifts with the world. 

Food for thought right...

by Elen B